Jace Michael has arrived

I've recently found out that having a child completely shuts you off from the world around you...at least for a little while. 

Jace Michael Krasowski has arrived!

. As I was getting ready for what I was hoping was my last doctor's appointment, I noticed that when I walked, this fluid would leak and I just wasn't feeling good at all.  I texted my mom, who then called me to ask what was going on.  As I was telling her, the only thing she kept saying was, "It's time".  My brother drove me to the emergency room, they tested the amniotic fluid and sure enough, Jace was on his way.

He was born on June 23rd, 2011 at 1240 AM to the song Hotel California. 

I'm absolutely in love with Jace.

False Alarm

13 days to go and I thought that maybe today was the day that Jace would make his appearance but after lots of painful contractions, a cervical exam, a straight catheter and some emotions...he decided he wanted to wait.   Although I am ready to hold Jace for the very first time, I think I still need at least a week to get mentally prepared for labor and for my entire life to change. 

I finally finished the nursery and it looks great!  Nesting was exactly what I needed to stop from going crazy!

Jace's crib that was given to use by his Aunt Amber.  It looks GREAT with all the bedding!

The recliner was an ugly burgandy red, so I went and got a slip cover to update it.  It looks brand new.

View from the outside--the curtains match the bedding perfectly!

The changing table area which was an old dresser that was updated with some fixtures.  Not a lot of work and not a lot of money!

15 days to go!

We're down to the wire as "J-day" is quickly approaching.

I've been putting together the nursery (which should be finished this weekend) and thinking of how quickly my pregnancy has gone.  It seems just like yesterday that I found out I was going to be a mother.  I've been thinking about all the hard times like going through pregnancy virtually alone and all the joyous times like when I found out I would be having a son.  I can honestly say that nothhing about this period in my life has been particularly easy, but it's definitely made me a stronger person.

A couple of weeks ago I had gone through a moment of doubt as the "30 day mark" hit and it started to sink in that in four weeks, Jace would be here and I would be responsible for this tiny, fragile life.  As the days passed, I continued to have this doubt and thought maybe I wasn't ready.  There were times that I had considered adoption just so I wouldn't impact my child's life in such a negative way.  THEN I started doing things just for Jace like putting the bedding in the crib and hanging up all his clothes, and putting together a changing table and just like that, I realized there was no turning back.  Jace and I have each other and if we never ever have anyone else in our life, we'll always have each other.

15 days to go and I might be terrified, but I'm also excited to be a momma.

45 days to go!

"What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?"

Jace will be here in 45 days and once again, I have no idea where we will be going once we leave the hospital.  It was planned that we would go to Richmond for six weeks while I was on maternity leave so Ryan could bond with Jace and learn what it was going to take to raise a child...after a certain bit of information that I had recieved on Saturday, though, it looks like that won't be happening. 

I had asked God for a sign as to why I shouldn't move to Richmond and, as much as it kills me, I recieved that sign.

It would seem that Ryan has found a new love interest and it isn't me...or Jace.  When I found out, all I wanted to do was crawl up and cry as hard as I could (I actually did cry as hard as I could on my way home from Richmond on Saturday).  After thinking about it, though, Ryan isn't worth my tears.  I may have hurt him, but he's hurt me 100 times more and that is not a person that I want to be with.  Jace is coming whether I'm ready or not and I have to be strong for him...so what if he doesn't have a father who wants to be in his life?  He has plenty of male role models who will love him and ONE day I'll meet Mr. Wonderful who will love both of us. 

45 days to go, and everything is going to be alright!

The Baby Shower

I can officially say that I've had a baby shower!

Lots of planning went into planning my "perfect" baby shower and although SOME things didn't go as planned and some people didn't show up like they said they would...it still turned out beautiful and wonderful.  We had lots of food, lots of fun, and lots of laughs.


 Here is the onesie decorating station.  The "big kids" got to decorate onesies for Jace and the little kids got to decorate onesie cookies using frosting and sprinkles.  TONS of fun!

We have some finished products.  All the onesies turned out wonderful and I can't wait for Jace to wear them.

My momma and I:  I honestly don't know what I would do without her.  Sure, she is hard to handle at times (who isn't?) and she uses "tough love" in a different sense of the term--but she has helped me through so much.  We wouldn't have had as much fun as we had at the baby shower if it wasn't for her!

The cake from the baby shower that one of my daycare parents made for me.  I was just expecting this sheet cake with some decorations on it--but when she brought this cake in, I was FLOORED!  I couldn't believe how wonderful it was and I'm so truly blessed to have people in my life who would do something like this for me.

I think the biggest disappointment of the afternoon was Ryan's "no show".  A lot of people had counted on him being there (especially me) and when he didn't show up it really hurt my feelings.  I know that I should have expected it, but I still have hope.

All in all, it was a wonderful day and I'm happy that it went as smoothly as it did.  Now, it's time to sit back, relax and get ready for little Jace to get here! :)

Wubby the monkey and a bunny

It was an eventful weekend for Jace and I.  A good time to relax, have some fun, and be around family. 

Saturday was spent doing LOTS of running around.  We were at Zona Rosa, where we watched Jaynie in a parade, got to feed some alpacas, and see the Easter bunny.  We were at dad and Roxanna's where we made some of the cutest chocolate lollipops for the baby shower next weekend.  We were at a birthday party for a two year old (where I quickly saw what having a birthday party for a two year old was going to be like).  We went to subway, where we had our first subway since the Lenten season began and then we went shopping with momma where we got lots of things for the baby shower.  After ALL of that--I decided to get Jace his Easter present early.  Jaynie and I went to build-a-bear and made Jace a monkey (named Wubby). 
::Okay...so maybe I don't do THAT much relaxing::

Sunday was spent with family, which is always a treat.  Being that it was Easter Sunday, most of us went to mass (usually the longest catholic mass out of all of them).  It was great to praise the Lord and come together with people who all believe in the same things that you do.  After Mass--I took a drive on down to Richmond where Ryan and I talked (for the very first time) about Jace.  It has been decided that Jace and I will spend my maternity leave in Richmond.  I honestly don't know how to feel about it because it could either go very well or very badly.  I'm hoping that it will be a time that Jace can bond and connect with both of us and know what it's like to have both parents in his life.  I'm also hoping that I have a better outlook on mine and Ryan's relationship at the end of the six weeks so I can either dedicate and commit myself to him or move on.  I feel a new sense of hope and with the finish line in sight--I can't give up hope. 

Holy Contractions

As we get closer and closer to "the finish line" the contractions become stronger and stronger and last much longer.

Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the pain and it's not even the REAL pain.  It radiates all the way around to my back and knocks the wind right out of me. I can't wait, I can't sit still...what I CAN do is lay in bed and pray for the pain to pass. 
I'm not a "wuss" when it comes to pain--but I have a feeling this kind of pain is going to knock me straight on my ass.

The physical pain isn't nearly as bad as the emotional pain of pregnancy.  I don't care what anyone says, pregnancy is a beautiful disaster.  It can make you feel more beautiful than you've ever felt in your entire life--but the emotional roller coaster is one thing that I will never EVER miss.  One day I can be happier than I've ever been and the next I can be the saddest I have ever been and it's no telling when these days will occur.  It's all a gamble.

65 days to go!

68 days to go!

As we draw closer and closer to the "finish line"--I become more and more excited to be a mother and the thought of me doing it alone gets further and further away.  At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was worried and even scared to be a single mother but now, Jace gives me something to focus on. 
I don't have to worry about being a good wife or a good girlfriend and I can put some things on the back burner.  What I can focus on now is being a great mother and doing everything in my power to be just that.

This past weekend, I went swimming with the family. Yes, yes--I showed off my "bikini body" and Jace the bump.

 

 I thought maybe I would feel uncomfortable "bearing it all" in public, but I've never felt more comfortable or beautiful in my entire life.  Being a mother is one of the most important jobs and I've made a lot of sacrifices...buts its definitely made me a more beautiful person inside and out.
 

Dear Jace...OUCH!

It's a new day...It's a new pain.

Jace is now the size of a squash and active as ever--however, I don't think he has enough room in my tummy to move around as much as he'd like and of course, with less space comes more pain.
I always find my little guy in the most awkward positions.  On Thursday, he was right up against my stomach (which was terrible because I couldn't really eat anything).  On Friday, he had moved over and started pushing up on my lungs and today, he's sitting low but still loves to move around--it's almost like he can't make up his mind.

With a little man the size of a squash living inside of me, it's become harder to "hide" my belly (not that I want to).  My early maternity clothes are obsolete, so I've made the transition to my larger sized clothes and I'm also walking like a duck.  It won't be long until my little guy is here.

With each passing day comes a new surprise and new excitement. 

80 days to go!

"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders." - J.Proverb

There are about two and a half months left until I get to finally meet my son, and I can honestly say that I get more and more excited with each passing day.  The anticipation fills me with such joy and fear that sometimes it's overwhelming...but I know that my strength shines through and there is nothing that I should fear.  We're going to learn from each other, be there for each other, and love each other unconditionally...so what do I have to fear?

I wonder what he looks like (even though I already know that he's going to look exactly like Ryan).  I wonder if he'll be an angel baby or a grumpy baby.  I wonder what things he'll be into when he grows up and I wonder if he'll avoid the same mistakes that I've made.  I want to help him with everything, but I know that eventually I will need to step back and let him be his own person. 

It's been a wild ride (and yes, I know I'm not done yet) but if I can get through this alone.  If I can totally turn my life around and devote myself to my son and if I can overcome the obstacles that have been presented to me--then I know the best is yet to come.

7 months

As I enter the dreaded "third trimester", I have many things on my mind up to and including: money, family, living arrangements. 

I'm in a different place than I was even 6 months ago.  I've grown and become stronger, more patient, and I believe in doing the right thing--even when doing the exact opposite seems like the easier thing to do.  I've bought diapers and started "stocking up" on things that Jace will need, I've saved money so I can prepare for the time that I will be off work, and I've set up bill paying arrangements so I won't have to worry about getting money to the bank while I have Jace.  All these things are responsible and I'm proud of the work I have done--but I feel that, in the short amount of time that I have, it's won't be enough.  I've been told that NOTHING can prepare you for what lies ahead, though.

I have a feeling that everything is going to be alright.  What is meant to happen, WILL happen so I just have to remember that it's time to enjoy the rest of pregnancy, work hard because Jace is counting on me, and I can't give up. 

94 days to go!

Who would have thought that 6 months would have flown by as quickly as it has?  Now, we're down to 94 days and with each passing day I feel this sense of fear and excitement wash over me.  It kind of feels like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm riding to the top of the biggest hill. 
I still have so much work to do--these next 94 days can definitely take their time in passing.  Between getting some things paid off WHILE saving money and getting clothes, furniture, and other necessities together--it seems like this will be a never ending process. 

I've been pretty overwhelmed as of late (the extra hormones don't help much, not to mention the fact that I'm working almost 70 hours a week to save all the money I can).  I wouldn't say that an overwhelming feeling is a BAD thing because it DOES give me motivation to do all the right things for Jace and I.  Sometimes, however, it does lead to some nervous breakdowns and tears.  I've learned many new things about myself over the past couple of months, but one thing that hasn't changed (and sometimes I wish it would) is the fact that I'm very type A.  I like to have a plan and a schedule and I thrive on things going according to plan--when things don't go according to plan, I get very frazzled and lose sight of all the things that I've been working towards.  I can't lose sight of my goals and things I've been working towards.  I have to keep on moving.
Jace and I have to be strong!

100 Days To go

Happy St. Patrick's Day. 

I find it very hard to believe that in 100 days, I will be welcoming my son into this sometimes beautiful, sometimes scary world.  It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was going to have a baby, or it was the first time I felt him kick.  Now, he's draining most of my energy, forcing me to eat obscene amounts of food, and giving me a back pain like you wouldn't believe. 

There are some things in life that you need and I think at this moment in time (although crazy almost all of the time) I needed Jace to heal me.  He's done for me what most grown people couldn't do, and that was...tame me.  Help me to realize all of my faults and weaknesses and build on them.  He's done all of that for me and he isn't even here yet.  He's going to depend on me for support and love, but he saved me...in every way a person can be saved.

A Mother's Love

I've been with you
since before your birth.
I'll stand by your side,
as long as I'm on this earth.

A mother's love is special,
a never-ending gift.
A love that's always there
if you ever need a lift.

I think of you often,
never missing a day.
My love is forever,
and always sent your way.

You're never far from the caring
thoughts in my heart.
No matter how many miles
ever try to keep us apart.

A mother's love, your gift,
the gift I'll always give to you.
As we watch our lives go by,
no matter what you say or do

"I'm Proud of You"

Next to "I love you", those words mean the world to me because those are words that I never thought I'd hear again. 
Why, you may ask?  Well, up until recently (like 6 months ago) I hadn't really been doing things that would make someone proud.  I had a one way ticket going the wrong way and I made sure everyone knew that I didn't care about what place I was going to.
Six months ago, my dad wouldn't even look at me.  My mother was ashamed of me.  My siblings (especially my sister Monica) hated me.  People that I loved turned their back on me and it wasn't until I found out that I was pregnant, that I was stopped in my tracks.  I didn't want to go to "that place" anymore...I wanted and NEEDED to turn my life around.  Therefore, that is exactly what I did.

I was fortunate enough to have a mother who was going back to the work force (i.e-outside of the home) fulltime and so I started running her daycare center.  I started paying off bills (which is a slow going process and may take me YEARS to complete).  I started rebuilding relationships that I thought would be broken forever.  I started telling the truth to myself and others and little by little...I've become the person that I'd always wanted to be.  Confident and strong, smart and beautiful, trusthworthy and dependable. 

I can credit a lot of my progress to my son (and I do) but I know that I put some hard work into it myself and if it wasn't for people in my life (like my second mother, my stepmother, my father) I would be nowhere.  I would still be in the same place I was only it would be different, because I would be delibrately taking my child down with me.

When I hear, "I'm proud of you,Sara" it makes me know that I'm doing everything right.  It may not be perfect, but I'm doing it right...and it makes me know that Jace will be proud of his momma and the things she does.

Now or Never

I've got many things on my mind tonight--mainly Ryan.

It seems as though every time I see him, old feelings get stirred up and it messes me up for a couple of days.  Today has been so busy that I really haven't had the time to think about him at all and I hadn't until my sister (who is also a good friend of the father) had said that they had talked last night and he wants to be in the delivery room when I have Jace.

At one point, I would have killed to have him WANT to be in the delivery room.  When my sister had her daughter, the father of her baby (they're still together--they don't have nearly as much drama as I have) stayed by her side, held her hand, got her washcloths for her forehead, and was very interactive with the delivery.  Is Ryan going to do that?  Is he going to hold my hand and cut the umbilical cord?  Will he do all those things that he is SUPPOSED to do as the father or will he sit in a corner texting, "My Sexy Chick"?
I'm tired of putting myself in situations that end up hurting me.  I had always had a shred of hope that he would come around and want to be with me so we can raise our son together--but that hope is gone. 
He's NOT going to come around.  He's NOT going to love me ever again and sadly enough, I really think Jace is going to feel that. 

So, the question that I'm left asking myself tonight is: Does Ryan DESERVE to be in the delivery room when I have Jace?  Does someone who hasn't been interested at all in my pregnancy, who hasn't felt his son kick, who didn't go and register for baby stuff and who isn't concerned with where we will be AFTER I have Jace deserve to be in the delivery room?

A Mother's Song

Tying little shoe laces
Wiping off dirty faces
Are just a couple of things
That a mother will do...

Mending a broken heart
Is only just a part
Of the care and the love
That I've given you...

With a Kool-aid smile
And a sparkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

Now, little boy days have passed
And you've grown up so fast
But in my heart
That little boy will never be far...

So on this blessed day
There's so much I want to say
But above all, I thank God
For the man that you are...

With a tender smile
And a twinkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

You've made your mother so proud...

Jace Watch

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday that went very well aside from the fact that I waited an hour and a half to see a doctor who only told me that my blood pressure was high and I needed to monitor for contractions.  She also listened to the baby's heart beat and that always makes up for any frustration I may have with the health system.

Jace is growing big and strong inside me.  His heart rate is 133 and he absolutely loves to move around (it feels like he is practicing martial arts in my belly).  He is over a foot long and weighs a little more than 2 pounds. 

It's hard to believe that I am 6 months along.  It seems just like yesterday that I found out I was going to be a momma and our journey began (and believe me, it's been a journey).  Our journey is going to be a great one--we're going to have so much fun. 

I can't wait to meet my son!

Everything Happens for a Reason

If there is one thing I try to remember, it would be those words.  It's kind of become somewhat of a motto during the past couple of months, more recently than ever.

The father of my son isn't really in our picture.  Ryan WAS the love of my life--at two weeks I knew that I had loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  We had been through our fair share of mess in the short three months that we dated and eventually, that mess just got to be too much.  When I found out I was pregnant--he completely stepped back. 

When I ask God why he has taken Ryan out of our lives, I don't really never get a clear response and that is probably the way that God wants it.  I know that He wouldn't give me anymore than I could handle and I am capable of representing both parents in my son's life.  I am capable of supporting him financially and loving him unconditionally.

What's heartbreaking to me is that one day, I just won't be enough.  I'm terrified that one day, Jace is going to ask me why his daddy didn't want him or didn't care--and that is something that makes me angry as well as sad because he doesn't deserve that. 

So, somedays, "everything happens for a reason" just isn't enough.  I want to KNOW that reason.  I want to KNOW why.

March Madness

March is finally here--gosh...that is so nice to say!

February has never been my favorite month, and this year was no exception. 
Not only do I despise Valentine's Day (okay...I don't despise it...it's just never been my favorite "holiday") but February seemed to drag on and on.  The only wonderful and unforgettable thing about it was that I found out I was having a boy.

I have a feeling March is going to be a very good month.  Things are slowly falling into place for Jace's arrival.  Temperatures are starting to creep upward making it warm enough to go out without a winter coat (that means dresses and flip flop weather will be here before we know it), and of course...Big 12 is right around the corner!

I feel blessed on this first day of March because I did make it through the winter without that overwhelming feeling of "depression".  I think everyone has a tendency to be a little more glum during those cold winter months, however, this year hasn't been as terrible for me because Jace is keeping me strong.  Whenever I feel like being weak or sad or mad, even...I think of my son.  Jace has been able to give me the strength I need to get through the day and that is something that no one has ever been capable of doing.

I'm so very thankful for my son.

To my Little Wing

Time is moving slowly,
The day is almost here.

The anxiety and joy is building up,
For my baby boy will soon appear.

I can't wait to see your smiling face,
And hold your little hand.

Just then I'll know deep inside
that you’re my little man.

I have so much to share with you
day after day.

And to you my son I will give my love
in each and every way.

117 Days to go!

Sometimes things happen that totally rock your life and in the midst of all the chaos and preparations for a specific even, it seems like all you have to do is blink and there's the day you were waiting for.  A day that seemed lightyears away.

There are 117 days to go until Jace Michael gets here.  That's 117 to "get all my ducks in a row" as my mother would say.  117 days to enjoy being the only one who decides if I want to lay in bed all day long and watch movies (these days usually fall on a Sunday and are called "Lazy Sundays").  117 days to go where ever I want, whenever I want, and do whatever I want.
117 days seems like a really long time, but I know amongst all the chaos and all the preparations--I'm going to blink...and he's here.