94 days to go!

Who would have thought that 6 months would have flown by as quickly as it has?  Now, we're down to 94 days and with each passing day I feel this sense of fear and excitement wash over me.  It kind of feels like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm riding to the top of the biggest hill. 
I still have so much work to do--these next 94 days can definitely take their time in passing.  Between getting some things paid off WHILE saving money and getting clothes, furniture, and other necessities together--it seems like this will be a never ending process. 

I've been pretty overwhelmed as of late (the extra hormones don't help much, not to mention the fact that I'm working almost 70 hours a week to save all the money I can).  I wouldn't say that an overwhelming feeling is a BAD thing because it DOES give me motivation to do all the right things for Jace and I.  Sometimes, however, it does lead to some nervous breakdowns and tears.  I've learned many new things about myself over the past couple of months, but one thing that hasn't changed (and sometimes I wish it would) is the fact that I'm very type A.  I like to have a plan and a schedule and I thrive on things going according to plan--when things don't go according to plan, I get very frazzled and lose sight of all the things that I've been working towards.  I can't lose sight of my goals and things I've been working towards.  I have to keep on moving.
Jace and I have to be strong!

100 Days To go

Happy St. Patrick's Day. 

I find it very hard to believe that in 100 days, I will be welcoming my son into this sometimes beautiful, sometimes scary world.  It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was going to have a baby, or it was the first time I felt him kick.  Now, he's draining most of my energy, forcing me to eat obscene amounts of food, and giving me a back pain like you wouldn't believe. 

There are some things in life that you need and I think at this moment in time (although crazy almost all of the time) I needed Jace to heal me.  He's done for me what most grown people couldn't do, and that was...tame me.  Help me to realize all of my faults and weaknesses and build on them.  He's done all of that for me and he isn't even here yet.  He's going to depend on me for support and love, but he saved me...in every way a person can be saved.

A Mother's Love

I've been with you
since before your birth.
I'll stand by your side,
as long as I'm on this earth.

A mother's love is special,
a never-ending gift.
A love that's always there
if you ever need a lift.

I think of you often,
never missing a day.
My love is forever,
and always sent your way.

You're never far from the caring
thoughts in my heart.
No matter how many miles
ever try to keep us apart.

A mother's love, your gift,
the gift I'll always give to you.
As we watch our lives go by,
no matter what you say or do

"I'm Proud of You"

Next to "I love you", those words mean the world to me because those are words that I never thought I'd hear again. 
Why, you may ask?  Well, up until recently (like 6 months ago) I hadn't really been doing things that would make someone proud.  I had a one way ticket going the wrong way and I made sure everyone knew that I didn't care about what place I was going to.
Six months ago, my dad wouldn't even look at me.  My mother was ashamed of me.  My siblings (especially my sister Monica) hated me.  People that I loved turned their back on me and it wasn't until I found out that I was pregnant, that I was stopped in my tracks.  I didn't want to go to "that place" anymore...I wanted and NEEDED to turn my life around.  Therefore, that is exactly what I did.

I was fortunate enough to have a mother who was going back to the work force (i.e-outside of the home) fulltime and so I started running her daycare center.  I started paying off bills (which is a slow going process and may take me YEARS to complete).  I started rebuilding relationships that I thought would be broken forever.  I started telling the truth to myself and others and little by little...I've become the person that I'd always wanted to be.  Confident and strong, smart and beautiful, trusthworthy and dependable. 

I can credit a lot of my progress to my son (and I do) but I know that I put some hard work into it myself and if it wasn't for people in my life (like my second mother, my stepmother, my father) I would be nowhere.  I would still be in the same place I was only it would be different, because I would be delibrately taking my child down with me.

When I hear, "I'm proud of you,Sara" it makes me know that I'm doing everything right.  It may not be perfect, but I'm doing it right...and it makes me know that Jace will be proud of his momma and the things she does.

Now or Never

I've got many things on my mind tonight--mainly Ryan.

It seems as though every time I see him, old feelings get stirred up and it messes me up for a couple of days.  Today has been so busy that I really haven't had the time to think about him at all and I hadn't until my sister (who is also a good friend of the father) had said that they had talked last night and he wants to be in the delivery room when I have Jace.

At one point, I would have killed to have him WANT to be in the delivery room.  When my sister had her daughter, the father of her baby (they're still together--they don't have nearly as much drama as I have) stayed by her side, held her hand, got her washcloths for her forehead, and was very interactive with the delivery.  Is Ryan going to do that?  Is he going to hold my hand and cut the umbilical cord?  Will he do all those things that he is SUPPOSED to do as the father or will he sit in a corner texting, "My Sexy Chick"?
I'm tired of putting myself in situations that end up hurting me.  I had always had a shred of hope that he would come around and want to be with me so we can raise our son together--but that hope is gone. 
He's NOT going to come around.  He's NOT going to love me ever again and sadly enough, I really think Jace is going to feel that. 

So, the question that I'm left asking myself tonight is: Does Ryan DESERVE to be in the delivery room when I have Jace?  Does someone who hasn't been interested at all in my pregnancy, who hasn't felt his son kick, who didn't go and register for baby stuff and who isn't concerned with where we will be AFTER I have Jace deserve to be in the delivery room?

A Mother's Song

Tying little shoe laces
Wiping off dirty faces
Are just a couple of things
That a mother will do...

Mending a broken heart
Is only just a part
Of the care and the love
That I've given you...

With a Kool-aid smile
And a sparkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

Now, little boy days have passed
And you've grown up so fast
But in my heart
That little boy will never be far...

So on this blessed day
There's so much I want to say
But above all, I thank God
For the man that you are...

With a tender smile
And a twinkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

You've made your mother so proud...

Jace Watch

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday that went very well aside from the fact that I waited an hour and a half to see a doctor who only told me that my blood pressure was high and I needed to monitor for contractions.  She also listened to the baby's heart beat and that always makes up for any frustration I may have with the health system.

Jace is growing big and strong inside me.  His heart rate is 133 and he absolutely loves to move around (it feels like he is practicing martial arts in my belly).  He is over a foot long and weighs a little more than 2 pounds. 

It's hard to believe that I am 6 months along.  It seems just like yesterday that I found out I was going to be a momma and our journey began (and believe me, it's been a journey).  Our journey is going to be a great one--we're going to have so much fun. 

I can't wait to meet my son!

Everything Happens for a Reason

If there is one thing I try to remember, it would be those words.  It's kind of become somewhat of a motto during the past couple of months, more recently than ever.

The father of my son isn't really in our picture.  Ryan WAS the love of my life--at two weeks I knew that I had loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  We had been through our fair share of mess in the short three months that we dated and eventually, that mess just got to be too much.  When I found out I was pregnant--he completely stepped back. 

When I ask God why he has taken Ryan out of our lives, I don't really never get a clear response and that is probably the way that God wants it.  I know that He wouldn't give me anymore than I could handle and I am capable of representing both parents in my son's life.  I am capable of supporting him financially and loving him unconditionally.

What's heartbreaking to me is that one day, I just won't be enough.  I'm terrified that one day, Jace is going to ask me why his daddy didn't want him or didn't care--and that is something that makes me angry as well as sad because he doesn't deserve that. 

So, somedays, "everything happens for a reason" just isn't enough.  I want to KNOW that reason.  I want to KNOW why.

March Madness

March is finally here--gosh...that is so nice to say!

February has never been my favorite month, and this year was no exception. 
Not only do I despise Valentine's Day (okay...I don't despise it...it's just never been my favorite "holiday") but February seemed to drag on and on.  The only wonderful and unforgettable thing about it was that I found out I was having a boy.

I have a feeling March is going to be a very good month.  Things are slowly falling into place for Jace's arrival.  Temperatures are starting to creep upward making it warm enough to go out without a winter coat (that means dresses and flip flop weather will be here before we know it), and of course...Big 12 is right around the corner!

I feel blessed on this first day of March because I did make it through the winter without that overwhelming feeling of "depression".  I think everyone has a tendency to be a little more glum during those cold winter months, however, this year hasn't been as terrible for me because Jace is keeping me strong.  Whenever I feel like being weak or sad or mad, even...I think of my son.  Jace has been able to give me the strength I need to get through the day and that is something that no one has ever been capable of doing.

I'm so very thankful for my son.